And not “the shit”, even though teens think that stuffing an article in front of a negative word makes it positive. I think my writing sucks. And I’m not writing this to get sympathy or anything, in my mind it’s the truth.

Mostly cos I remember what I’ve written before. I know what I was capable of, in the old days. I’d write amazing articles and interviews and when I read them a few years ago, when I still could read, I was kinda blown away by how good they still were – twenty odd years later.

But that was before chemo brain, and before tularemia and ciprofloxacin, and now most of my brain is mush. On a good day I can read paragraphs and make sense of them. On really bad days, I can read a five word title and recognise the words as words but have no idea what they mean and certainly can’t get them to make sense.

Luckily for me, a wise man once told me that “You don’t need to read to be able to write” and I thank him every day for those words. Cos I don’t – need to read, that is – to be able to write. So to keep my overactive intelligence active I write music reviews for Musikkavisen Puls. Concerts, albums, musicals, movies. I don’t do interviews cos they require more cognitive ability than I have.

Reading press releases is also pretty difficult when most days, a full page of text turns into black spots and letters dancing around the page. Dyslexic friends, frenemies and foes will know what I mean by that. So when I write a review, I usually base it exclusively on how the current music or performance makes me feel.

Just because I can write, doesn’t mean I can write. Some days I have the words lined up perfectly inside my head but they’re not transferable to the keyboard. Some nights I’m on the train back home after an amazing gig, and the review is almost perfect in my mind, but when I get back home to my keyboard it’s all “This was a great gig” and no other words appear.

Having to write in Norwegian doesn’t really help at all. I’m far more eloquent in English than I’ve ever managed to be in Norwegian.

Some days, the excellent days, the rare days, words pour out of me and the only limitation I have is the amount of hours in a day. Other times – I’ll sit at the keyboard and be unable to write a single sentence. Or if I do, it’s in the shape of “this is a good song” or “there are nine songs on this album” and that’s it. That’s all I can write. And re-write. Over and over and over. And this isn’t just a random day, it’s most days, when nothing comes.

While I still thought I had a chance at becoming a scientist, I went to a seminar on “How to write scientific articles” and the important thing which I’ve kept with me since, is “never take a day off writing”. Doesn’t matter if you don’t write anything of importance. Put words on the screen. Delete them if you must, but don’t take a day off.

Sometimes I can go many days without being able to put more than one shite sentence on the screen, delete it, and re-write the same stupid sentence. I can write a useless paragraph and delete the whole thing. I can write an entire article and delete the whole thing. I’ll sit down in front of my computer a score times in one day and not be able to write a single sentence that makes sense or has any value.

I still force myself to sit down in front of the computer a score times a day, even when there are no words buzzing anywhere, and try to type something, anything, regardless of how crap it is on the screen.

Writing keeps me sane. My own bad writing drives me up the walls. Rarely do I manage to write a review I’m proud of but once in a while, I’ll write a love letter. On a good day, 10% of the photographs I take are keepers. That percentage falls to somewhere under 5% when it comes to writing. Which means that if I write 50 reviews in one year, I’m happy if I manage two great ones.

“Why don’t you use AI as an aid to get you going” someone suggested a few years back, when I said I had no idea where to even start. Nope. Not happening. For me, that would be cheating. I don’t care what other people do – but I need my words to be mine. Sometimes it’ll take me a fortnight to review a gig but it’ll be my words and my pics. And I’d rather write a half-assed review that is all mine, than a great one where the starting point wasn’t mine.

My brain doesn’t do well with being handicapped. I need the challenges I can find. I reviewed Lady Gaga cos why not. She actually kinda impressed me. I reviewed Mayhem. I generally don’t understand death and black metal. Challenge accepted.

I don’t always manage to write anything useful. Laibach’s “Alamut” (2025) got the better of me. Busta Rhymes’ “Blockbusta” (2023) annoyed me too much because of all the misogyny and violence.

Sometimes I manage love letters. I’m old enough to fangrrrrrl madly and I’m not ashamed to write those words. Sometimes I think that I am actually able to translate feelings into words, when I get to write about bands such as Seigmen, Neubauten, Munch or Nine Inch Nails.

And Ministry. I’ve crossed the pond twice for Ministry, first for the release of Ministry:Prescripture and second for the Industrial Strength tour so I’VE SEEN MINISTRY LIVE IN CHICAGO!!! and my pictures from the 1996 gig at the Quart festival in Kristiansand are in the most amazing book ever.

Seriously, I don’t care where my photos are used. This was the ultimate bucket list item for me.

But you, as a reader, don’t have to tell me my writing is crap. I already know that. There is no-one on this planet who knows how shite my writing is better than me. I don’t need anyone telling me this. Cos if you do, you make me feel worthless as a person. It takes a thousand positive comments to alleviate the damage of one negative comment and I don’t need that.

I don’t write for you. I write for myself. I write for the bands who make music that I enjoy. I write for the bands who are on their way to making great music. I write for the bands that will, at some point, inspire me to write them a love letter. If you, as a reader, don’t recognise this: go away. I’m not writing for you. I’m writing for me. I’m writing for the dozens of unknown bands out there who deserve to play for a full venue because they’re really great at their genre.

Sometimes I’ll even write about bands that I don’t particularly like, and I might spend hours writing a decent review because my opinion should only be a very small part of a review. I can believe in an artist even if their music isn’t something I particularly enjoy listening to.

I love having this opportunity, this honour, to be allowed to write about amazing music. I love being able to scream THIS BAND IS AMAZING!!! and sometimes people will read my words, and listen to the songs, and find a new favourite band. Or genre. Once in a while a band will reach out and say “We’re awesome, review us please!” and suddenly I have a new favourite band. Lily Löwe is one of them. And I’ve actually managed to keep this photo album on fb updated, at least for now, with all this year’s reviews.

If you don’t like my writing, don’t read it. It’s that easy. I don’t like my writing so I don’t read it. However, I do know that if I stop trying, if I stop reaching for the stars, if I stop writing when my mushy brain is struggling to write the password to my computer, …

…if I give up, if I give in, if I listen to the parts of my brain that scream YOU’RE A SHITE WRITER…

then I’ve lost. So I plod on, with my half decent reviews and love letters and words stuck in my mind and know that for every single review I write, it gets just a smidge easier to write the next one.

I used to have an amazing brain. There isn’t much left of that, but I use the little there is to the best of my abilities, hoping that at some point this will get easier.

But for now? This is me. And it’s all me, no AI, no faking it in any way and if you don’t like it that’s a you-problem.