I used to be able to write awesome reviews with no effort at all.
Didn’t cost me a calorie.
Now I’m struggling with the first sentence of three different concert reviews, two of which I have written but f*ck knows where they are. I think they’re stuck in some kind of kittycyberspace. I must admit that writing in Norwegian might be one reason my creative juices are stagnant but it’s a crap excuse cos it’s supposed to be my mother tongue… right.
Listening to old Laibach to see if that will help. And I do mean old stuff. Enjoy!
Lea is my rescue cat who was hit by a car twice, survived against all odds, and is now the weirdest and cuddliest cat ever. But just to me. She hates just about everyone else.
Lea can take off for weeks at a time, but when she’s home, she prefers being on my lap at all times. Which can be rather challenging if I’m working on my computer and she’s all I WANT CUDDLES. Sometimes she’ll be satisfied with just lying here. If I go somewhere, I have to remember to turn off my computer otherwise she’ll happily chat with anyone listening or update my status on Facebook (best case) or make system changes that aren’t always easy to fix (vertical screen is one of them).
She’s also a kitty with a mind of her own, especially when it comes to music.
As I am now dipping my toes into music journalism again, it means that I have to listen to a lot of different music from my computer. Editing concert photos and listening to new music is a form of multi tasking that kinda works for me.
I’m just not sure how to read her actions on these?
Lea snoring while I edit photos from Ministry @ Vulkan arena last June, listening to Wandering Stars. Or rather, snoring but twitching her tail.
I’ve been tipped off about an interesting Norwegian band called Sølvkre, which kinda reminds me of Nine Inch Nails’ instrumental work. This is Lea’s response to Ghosts.
I left Ghosts on and this is what I came back to. Culprit had hidden.
I am slightly concerned that she’s getting ever closer to cracking the code of net shopping. When I get a parcel in the post, I never know what I’ll find when I pick it up (also because I sometimes order stuff and chemo brain blocks it out so I get surprised by someone sending me a pressie!!!!).
Does your cat order stuff? Is the whole Paypal one touch thingy a really bad idea?
I’ve been quiet for a while. Not because I haven’t had any words, but it’s been too hard a struggle.
Going through cancer treatment sucks, but it’s nothing compared to the void after.
You’re not cancer-free. You’ll never be cancer-free. Your body is shit and will never work properly again.
Your mind is fucked-up and if you’re lucky – it may start working again in a few months. Or a decade. Or never. It’s called chemo brain and there’s nothing that can be done to fix it.
So your life sucks. And your friends are gone, cos who wants to hang with a cancer patient. The few good ones stay – cos they’ll always be there – but most of them are gone. And maybe you got some new ones, or revitalised old friendships, cos hey – some people actually are there for you when shit happens.
I see you. I know who’s been there. You know who you are. You’ve kept me alive.
So you walk out the other side of cancer treatment with a couple of new friends and you’ve lost many more. And maybe you realise that family and blood and shit – it’s just a goddamned lie. They can talk about blood all they want but fuck it – I have scars that prove the opposite.
So thank you to those who actually care and keep me alive. The rest can just go to hell. I’m too tired to be polite any more. I have so many battle scars I’m not sure how I stay upright.
Oh yeah, I know.
There are so many people who would dance on my grave, and fuck it if I’ll get them that satisfaction. I’ll be their guilty conscience.
I just wish I had a bit of energy, but fuck it, I’ve been running on fumes for so long that who gives a fuck. I will survive cos FUCK YOU. I have worth. I am a fucking awesome person. I used to be interesting but these days you’ll be lucky if I know which month it is.
And I have music. Thank you Trent Reznor for being the psychotherapist every crazy-ass person needs. Thanks to Al Jourgenson for noize. Thanks to Gary Numan for suddenly being there and being my soundtrack.
So – going to London in June to see NIN at the Royal Albert Hall cos fuck it, I need something good to look forward to. And Gary Numan at Rockefeller in December. Certainly can’t afford NIN but my mind needs it.
And the irony of it all? I don’t think any of my blood relatives actually can be fucked to read this blog.
My name is ruin, my name is vengeance
My name is no one, no one is calling
My name is ruin, my name is heartbreak
My name is loving, but sorrows and darkness
My name is ruin, my name is evil
My name’s a war song, I sing you a new one
The cat who swallowed the canary. I think I copied this grin on Wednesday.
I went to see Ministry last Wednesday. They played at Rockefeller Music Hall in Oslo, and I think this was the 5th time I saw them. First time was at the Quart festival in Kristiansand in ’96 (and no, that was just a couple of years ago, and OMFG the gig on Wednesday was probably as hardcore and gooey and awesome as the first time I saw them).
My attitude towards cancer: f**k you, you chose the wrong chick to mess with!
Music has always been important to me, although I will be the first to admit that I’m not very impressed with contemporary music and I’m perfectly happy with the bands I’ve listened to ‘forever’. Since 2001 (still not doing any maths here) the newest band I’ve seen is probably Alice In Chains (1987) and the oldest Judas Priest (1969).
[btw if you ever get a chance to see Priest live, Rob Halford is king. He was in his early 60s when I saw them, and his energy – he was up and down that stage for almost three full hours. Respect!]
I meant to do a “music I listen to now” then I found the canary pic of Al and it made me so happy cos Ministry is the perfect way to empty your mind of all thoughts and just float away in gooooey industrial land. I was going to write more, but it kinda went missing cos I got busy youtubing.
Lea can take off for weeks at a time, but when she’s home, she prefers being on my lap at all times. Which can be rather challenging if I’m working on my computer and she’s all I WANT CUDDLES. Sometimes she’ll be satisfied with just lying here. If I go somewhere, I have to remember to turn off my computer otherwise she’ll happily chat with anyone listening or update my status on Facebook (best case) or make system changes that aren’t always easy to fix (vertical screen is one of them).
