I feel guilty a lot of the time. I feel guilty when I’m at the hospital surrounded by sick people. I feel guilty when I think of friends who have terminal/inoperable/painful/fucked up cancer. I know it’s crazy, yet I feel guilty several times a week.

I feel guilty because I’m on a really effective treatment schedule. I feel guilty because the tumour was discovered so fast. I feel guilty because I don’t have any spread to lymph nodes, because there is only one tumour and it’s freestanding, I feel guilty cos I’m not suffering from tons of side effects.

I feel guilty cos I get the best and easiest part of treatment during summer and can spend the autumn and winter months tucked away in bed, with no-one expecting anything of me.

I feel guilty cos I have an easy form of cancer. I feel guilty cos the probability that I will die from cancer in the next two years is so small it’s not even worth mentioning. I feel guilty for being happy and pleased most of the time. I feel guilty for being grateful for the cancer diagnosis.

I feel guilty for feeling guilty cos to be honest: I don’t think anyone who doesn’t have cancer walks around feeling guilty for not having cancer. I certainly know that I didn’t. There is absolutely no logic to my suddenly feeling really bad about this.

I’ve tried to identify why the hell I am so guilt-stricken suddenly. I think it must be because I spent much of my childhood in England, and went to strict and religious schools in Surrey, UK and Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. I have no other explanation. Not that they were Catholic or Jewish – who I used to believe had the rights for eternal guilt – so it’s more a wild guess.