Not.
But it’s very interesting.
I read about it, and thought it was pretty weird and insane that people could get it up to four months before they actually had their first chemo.
The problem with chemo is that you don’t realise that it’s gripped you in its talons until you’re so dazed and confused that you hardly know what month it is. In hind sight, it probably hit me around June – two months before I started? And it’s still got me gripped – hard.
Chemo brain can’t be explained to someone who hasn’t been there. It’s not just about being forgetful. It’s about your mind turning into a great big void, a giant vacuum, and there is nothing there. Your thoughts are the frailest of whisps, and if you’re lucky you might catch one for a milli second but probably not long enough for you to actually complete or comprehend that thought.
Explaining it to others is useless. Best case you get the condescending “Oh, I’m like that sometimes, it’s an age thing”.
No, this is not an age thing. It’s not something that happens sometimes. It happens all the time, every single fucking day. There is no rest or respite from it.
Giving me books is not only stupid, it’s a fucking insult after having had this for almost three years. When I say that I can’t read books, it means just that. I can’t read books. My brain is unable to do all the complex functions that reading books demands.
Asking me “Do you remember…?” is also a fucking insult. No, I don’t remember. I can answer that before you finish your sentence. I don’t remember squat. I’m happy if I wake up and know what month it is.I might have told you something yesterday and I’ll have forgotten.
If you ask me a favour, and I ask you to remind me, it’s not to be rude, it’s because there is no way in hell I will remember our conversation three seconds later. It will be gone into that vast void which might be interesting to explore at some point but I doubt it.
Oh, and if you add insomnia into the game, it all adds up to social anxiety in addition to the rest of the fun long term side effects I have.
At least I’ve found some words again. They eluded me for so long, I felt deaf and dumb and mute hence the long lapse in blogging.