Month: July 2017

The Food Blog

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Food. Rarely have I been more obsessed with what I eat than the past six weeks. Going cold turkey on carbs (CTOC) wasn’t as horrible as I expected. I guessed that the goal of ‘27‘ would be motivation enough. I just wasn’t prepared for the side effects of no carbs!

My standard meal: fried egg, bacon, apple, spring onion and broccoli on a bed of lettuce and cucumber. Yummy!!!

A night or two after CTOC I didn’t wake up drenched in sweat, which was a relief. This continued for several nights and I was thinking that onco was right – the hot flashes were disappearing! My sleep-deprived brain didn’t really think any further than that. I do not function without enough sleep. When my life was still mine, and I was working, I sometimes had to apologise whilst doing field work because I know I turn into short-tempered bitch if I don’t get enough sleep…

Changing my diet was pretty easy. As I’ve had digestive issues for quite a few years, knowing what I can and can’t eat helps. Main CTOC-foods: lettuce, broccoli, spinach, cucumber, spring onion, apple, celery, chanterelles, quark, reikäleipä, moose meat, egg and bacon.

Which gets really boring after a while.

I can also eat cheese, shrimp, olives and pomegranates. Still kinda boring.

Button mushrooms with egg, cheese and freshly ground pepper.

A few days after CTOC my stomach was as good as it gets, and I was off on an exotic, overseas adventure to Sweden. Norwegians tend to go to Sweden to buy cheap booze, fags and meat. I go to get cheap cat food, tooth paste and allergen-free foods. We’re creatures of habit, always going to the same restaurant (Joe’s Diner) and eating delicious food (Joe’s burger or the Schnizel). I had decided that I was going to pig out on burger & chips and not care that I was subjecting my body to loads of carbs. Even on the strictest diet one should sometimes pig out.

The meal itself was a bit of a let-down. I realised that I didn’t really miss the bun or the chips that much, I felt bloated full rather than just full and slightly unwell. Got home, unpacked the car and was making coffee when the first major hot flash hit me. The next 36 hours were bad – really bad – and I realised that my lack of night sweats wasn’t because the side effects were going away, they were a direct result of going COTC. No carbs, no hot flashes.

The ultimate prawn dish. Bread & mayo not necessary. Lettuce, prawns, fresh dill and cilantro with a squeeze of lemon. So delish!!!

Six weeks (and quite a lot of experimentation) later, I have a slightly longer list of yes-food. I can eat small amounts of wheat in battered foods (fish’n’chips, here I come!), sauces and dark chocolate. Wines and white spirits are ok, beer and brown spirits send me into hot flashes faster than I can write this. I try to keep my meals as crunchy as possible (for some reason that works best for me).

And I’m only halfway to 27. Still in sight, still aiming for the stars!

The soundtrack(s) of my life I

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I’ll be the first to admit that my music tastes are eclectic and pretty boring. After all, the newest band I’ve seen in the past 16 years is Nine Inch Nails (1988) and the newest band I listen to is Linkin Park (1996). I have a bright green mp3-player which is full of music – David Bowie, Linkin Park, Ministry, New Model Army, NIN and Pink (I know she debuted in 2000 but there are  only have 3 songs of her that I like).

Yes, it is a digital player! I am in the 21st century!!!

Booooooooooooring, I know.

Add to that list Velvet Underground/Lou Reed/John Cale, Depeche Mode, Alice in Chains, Laibach, The God Machine and Nick Cave and my goto music list is kinda complete. This list does not include Norwegian bands cos I was lucky enough to have my own record label for the most awesome Norwegian music releases, Siri Rekkårdz.

A large portion of these artists/bands no longer exist. David Bowie died from liver cancer after the release of the Black Star album. Lazarus was released days before he passed – his swan song.

I have to admit, my love story with Bowie started in the late 70s and built up until the release of Outside in 1995. I remember I was sitting in the offices of Norsk Rock Forbund, currently working for Oslo Rockforbund, doing some layout promo shit and the radio was on and they played Hearts filthy lesson. First I heard was  Trent Reznor – then Bowie’s voice – and I was in heaven. I can still remember the goose bumps on my arm, the way my mind just blanked out everything for this amazing musical fix – Bowie and Reznor! Together, in perfect harmony! Damn, still getting the goose bumps and all, more than two decades later…

What’s good? Life’s good, but not fair at all¹

But today’s blog seems to be about Lou Reed. I tend to start writing and then the words take over and sometimes, I end up some other place. Mostly when it comes to music.

I discovered VU/Lou Reed because I read about them in biographies about Bowie. With VU I started at the beginning and worked my way through to the end. Then I started on Lou Reed and John Cale at the same time – Nico was a later interest.

Between two Aprils, I lost two friends. Between two Aprils, Magic and Loss.¹

I got to see Lou once in concert. It was for the Magic and Loss tour, at the Oslo Concert house. A truly magical experience and you could have heard a pin drop. Magic and loss has stayed with me, as a soundtrack, a guide, a raison d’être. It’s kept me going when life has been at it’s darkest and blackest.

Isn’t this something, you’d say, tomorrow I’m smoke¹

I liked Andy Warhol. Lou lead me to him. Andy was a weird creature. I’ve seen more of his films than most people I know. I absolutely LOVE Blood for Dracula especially his use of Wagner’s Tannhäuser. [fun fact: Wagner has featured on Dracula-soundtracks since 1931]. Valeria Solanas founded SCUM (the Society for Cutting Up Men), released the SCUM manifesto and shot Andy in 1968. He survived by sheer luck, but died of cancer of the gall bladder 20 years later. I’ve never read her manifesto.

Release me from the body
From this bulk that moves beside me
Let me leave this body far away
I’m sick of looking at me
I hate this painful body
That disease has slowly worn away¹

I can recommend Ultra Violet‘s biography. She was one of the important people in the Factory, and died from cancer in 2014. If you want to understand Andy Warhol – read the biographies of the Factory people. You’ll learn a lot.

Lou Reed passed in 2013 after a liver transplant.

John Cale is still alive and kicking. He and Lou released Songs for Drella in 1990.

Andy said a lot of things, I stored them all away in my head
Sometimes when I can’t decide what I should do
I think what would Andy have said²

I’ve seen Cale live once. It was at Rockefeller, him and a grand piano and tables and chairs and it was pretty much magic. That Welsh lilt…

I miss Lou and David and Andy. Not that I knew them in person, far from it, but they made the world a little bit better and colourful. And although David Bowie’s my main OST – Reed/Cale/VU lyrics have probably had a deeper personal impact for me.

¹All lyrics from Magic and Loss, 1992
² From “Work“, Songs for Drella, 1990

Wanna fund me?

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Having breast cancer is expensive. I get the meds for ‘free’ but the additional costs – strict diet, anti-side effect meds, new clothes – aren’t exactly welcome since I’ve been on disability (and making less than the EU’s definition of poverty income) for the past two years.

So, I’m trying to make ends meet in other ways.

First choice is “climate quotas” – you buy one or more trees that can suck up the carbon that you’re releasing. You can read more here.

20 NOK = $2.50 = £2 (roughly)

I’ve planted a bunch of trees and you can own one or more. I’ll even tag them for you and you get to see how they grow.

And the price? Cheaper than in your local nursery! Cheaper than a pint of beer!

It’s easy, too. If you’re in Norway, you can Vipps 119276.

For Paypal or other options, use post@titsngiggles.org.

 

Is your carbon footprint conscience feeling guilty?

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In this lovely part of my forest, you can already see that the alders that were planted in 2012 have started growing into lovely trees!

Do you drive a car? Do you ride planes? Do you eat fancy fruit & veg that have been flown in from exotic locations? Do you wear clothes that were manufactured on the other side of the earth? Do you commute? Do you live in a flat with no room for anything larger than a yucca plant?

I just love the shape, pattern and colour of alder leaves!

Are you worried about your carbon footprint?

Do you wish there was an easy way to alleviate your guilt?

What if I told you – there is!

Seedlings of larch (the light ones at the top) and alder.

This year I have planted 1,000 black alder (Alnus glutinosa) and 30 siberian larch (Larix sibirica) seedlings. They’re all 1 year old and you now have the chance to buy one or more!

Trees are the best and easiest way to bind carbon, and you hardly have to do anything.

Finding out how large your emissions are, isn’t easy. Apparently, a flight from Berlin to New York requires 11 trees although I have heard that 7 trees will (in their lifetime) bind the carbon emissions that one person driving one car (7,000 km/year) releases.

I am therefore offering you the chance to buy one or more seedlings. I’ll tag the tree with your name and send you yearly updates on its progress (and not to worry, if it dies, you’ll get a replacement tree). I also have some older alder trees (planted in ’07 and ’12) if you prefer to have a larger tree.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

20 NOK = $2.50 = £2 (roughly)

And the price? Cheaper than in your local nursery! Cheaper than a pint of beer!

It’s easy, too. If you’re in Norway, you can Vipps 119276.

For Paypal or other options, use post@titsngiggles.org.

 

 

 

 

 

Young alder trees make me smile 🙂

Moose don’t really like the taste of alder, although they do sometimes like to nibble. Can’t say I blame them, they look really tempting!

The best boots for planting baby trees? Pink, leopard-spotted glittery ones, of course.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crates of baby trees ready for planting

As this is the first batch of larch trees, I don’t have grown ones to show off – but many of the seedlings were marked with orange, so I can keep track of them!

Happy trees!!!

The Andy Warhol philosophy (aka don’t be Waldo Jeffers)

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One of the most common things people ask me is if I’m worried about the treatment to come, with operation, chemo and radiation. I’m not. They ask if I’m worried about the future. I’m not. In their faces, I can sometimes see that they want to ask if I’m worried that I won’t survive this ordeal. If they had asked, I would have replied that I’m not.

I know that worrying won’t help a bit. It would most likely make everything a whole lot worse. I’m not in control of the cancer, or the treatment, or the future. Worrying causes stress, and stress makes everything worse, that I do know.

I call it the Andy Warhol philosophy. I’ve always been a fan of him, mostly cos of Velvet Underground. I’ve read many books about Warhol and The Factory, and one of my favourites is The Philosophy of Andy Warhol (From A to B and Back Again). My life has never been easy, but this tidbit of philosophy has helped me since I was a teenager:

“Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, “So what.”
“My mother didn’t love me.” So what.
“My husband won’t ball me.” So what.
“I’m a success but I’m still alone.” So what.
I don’t know how I made it through all the years before I learned how to do that trick. It took a long time for me to learn it, but once you do, you never forget.”

Apparently, the “So what-therapy” is now called Metacognitive Therapy (MCT), and it works, say researchers (Norwegian article here). I could have told them that a long time ago. The ideas have been around for a while but Wells & Matthews (1996) used the information processing model that Wells later reworked into Metacognitive Therapy for Anxiety and Depression (2011).

I’m not claiming that it’s easy. You need to change your entire way of thinking, from worrying about the future to accepting fate at the same time as not believing in this thing called fate. There is a big difference between leaning back and thinking that “fate” will rule your world and accepting that there are some things in life that YOU cannot change.

I can’t control the outcome of my surgery, because I will be a passive pawn. I can, however, make sure that I’ve prepared physiologically as well as I can. I can’t control how my body will react to chemo but I can follow the advice of others: mostly low carb and light exercise.

And if everything still goes to shit and I don’t survive: So what. I won’t be around to worry about that.

Waldo Jeffers worried, and just see how much good it did him…

 

 

I want a humane death when the time comes

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I’m not religious. I could never believe in any deity that would put people through so much suffering just for the hell of it. I don’t believe in heaven or hell, and I’m quite certain that when I die, I’m done with this place. I won’t come back to haunt my enemies, I won’t be reincarnated as a cat, there will be no soul to capture, and I’ll just be gone.

I’ve already made a deal with the University of Oslo for body donation. Not because I don’t want my organs to keep someone else alive, but because the probability of dying in such a way that my organs can be used for transplanting is quite small. One has to die in a donor hospital – ie DOA doesn’t cut it. And if I’d been a med student I would have loved the idea of examining me, with this weird body full of so many flaws og wonky bits that interesting stuff is bound to be present!

Doing a body donation also means that there won’t be a funeral right away, just a memorial service. As Norwegian law is quite clear on the subject, someone has to bury at least a small part of me, within three years, so I’m hoping they choose my left thumb (only part I’ve never had an issue with). I’ve also got the approval for getting my ashes spread in my forest rather than a burial. This also means that there will be no gravestone and no marker to point where my ashes fertilize the earth and become cloudberries (knowing my luck I’ll probably just be the bushy head of a hare’s-tail cottongrass).

Thing is – I don’t want anyone to have to take care of a “final resting place” for me. It would be hypocritical for me to be a burden after I die. And quite frankly, if family and friends can’t visit me while I’m alive, I see no reason to give them any place to mourn me after I’m dead. They can always visit the forest and remember me there, but I see no reason for anyone to have to take care of a grave site with a bunch of bones in it.

Which also means that I am a firm believer in assisted suicide (the term assisted suicide is preferred as a phrase over euthanasia due to the eugenesist politics of the Nazi era). I don’t understand why putting a dog to sleep is considered humane, whilst insisting humans have to wait for a natural ending isn’t. Where is the humanity, decency and dignity in letting a human being without quality of life lie in a bed and just wait for an ending that might take weeks or months? Where is the peaceful transition for his or her family, who have to sit and wait for the inevitable to happen? Have to sit and watch a loved one not get the eternal rest they wish and beg for?

There are a growing number of institutions that offer assisted suicide and of organisations that work for the right to decide over one’s own death. UK-based Dignity in dying is one of them. In Europe, there are a number of countries who now allow assisted suicide and hopefully there will be more countries joining them.

Not that I have any plans of dying anytime soon.

Personally, I hope that when my time comes, some old farmer will just drag me behind the barn and put me out of my misery. I don’t want to grow old with nothing to live for.